Posts

Enter The Darkness

Image
 It is odd .. ... this thing called grief. You can be sitting out in the sun .. its warmth a glow on your soul. You are at peace and your soul smiles. Then for no foreseeable reason ... darkness descends and you are cold ... and alone ... and so sad.  Something has happened to shift your universe. You start to question why you are feeling the way you do. The sun is still up in the sky and shining on you ...  but it is like there is a barrier that it cannot cross. You are surrounded by a dark cloud on a sunny day. The ache starts deep in your soul .. the part of you that is missing feels so empty. And there is nothing you can do to fill it.  You want to take the darkness and crawl in bed, under the covers, and try to just let it take you. You hope for the release that a solid nights sleep could give you. Sleep does not come. Darkness remains.  The dawn arrives and tickles the edges of darkness. Will it be strong enough to break through?
Post a Comment
Read more

How anger can destroy a home

Image
But what if he was the heart of my home?? I hope someone finds a way to eliminate the extra stress put on the survivor who loses a spouse.  Shouldn't the loss be greater than the hell that the government and VA puts us through?   I swear ..  they want to make you angry at the one you lost. Then maybe you will lose focus?  You might forget the hidden messages between the lines?  They want you lost in the fog of grief. Never giving answers yet always asking questions. Then the internal battle takes over. The need to move on vs the need to fight for what you promised. Battling promises of  "I'm tired and don't want to fight this fight .. to ... you promised to fight for me."  Sleepless battles!!!! He was  the kindest, most intelligent and compassionate man I have ever known in my life. He accepted me with open arms. He was honest, respectful, and accepted that I was broken .. and it was okay.  He did not try to fix me .. he did not hold it...
Post a Comment
Read more

Little Johnny the Train Conductor

Image
My dad loved telling jokes. He loved to tell one liner blond jokes, but when the internet came about and friends from PA could email him, he received many jokes .. which I in turn received. He always left a little note to me before or after the joke and it made the emails something that I looked forward to receiving.  One day we were on the phone and he said, “Hey Beck. I have a joke for you. I think you are going to like it.” He was right. I laughed until I hurt. And it was obviously better when he told it but here it is. Little Johnny the Train Conductor Little Johnny is playing on his ride on train in the hallway and his mom is in the kitchen ironing. Johnny scoots down the hall to the first door and says “The train has arrived at the station. All you mother-fuckers getting off, get off and all you mother-fuckers getting on, get on.”  Johnny’s mom thinks she did not hear him right and goes back to ironing. Johnny continues to the next door. “All you mother-fuckers getting o...
Post a Comment
Read more

Deep Cleansing

Image
Burning embers That's all that is left 45 years part of my soul Part of my being This is what is left. In order to love myself And move forward I must purge the hate I must purge the hurt. I will never feel whole.. But others live without .. Limbs, sight, hearing .. Even a child. I've lost many .. But only one I knew And lost more than once. Goodbye my first. May life fulfill All your dreams. I'm sorry I was never What you were looking for.
Post a Comment
Read more

Observed differences ...

Image
 I don't know how to describe a feeling.  Especially when the physical is absent. Something just felt different ... A little off. I could be wrong. We do not know each other very well ...  But that will come with time, I hope. It is my nature to worry  when I care for someone. And I do care for our friendship. Perhaps it was seeing you pace the sidewalk earlier in the week. You seemed lost and in your head. I have feelings that act as a mirror, reflecting back . It is usually a curse.  I find you playful and intelligent. You radiate warmth and compassion ~  And yes, your eyes smile. And they make me warm and make me smile. But if I don't see you, your eyes can not have this effect. This is very hard.  Trying to make words where they do not exist. Perhaps it is just me? It is definitely possible. I am a mess .. and have been for ten years. Interruptions happen ...  momentarily throwing my train of thought away from this task ... yet the thought of ...
Post a Comment
Read more

I'm still listening..

Image
I pass a window  and thought of you... odd, yet perfectly normal. U2 were on display and next to them I felt your presence. I spoke to the owner I'm sure you knew him. You seemed to know  So many people. We talked about U2 ... and you too. I play the songs, memories play along. I wait to hear your voice, your whispers from  when we met. Remember when we discussed going to " Where The Streets Have No Name?" Is that where you are at? We always said "With but  Never Without You" . But I know in you "I Found What I Was Looking For" and you "disappeared without a trace" You took "shelter from the poison rain" "Where the streets have no name"
Post a Comment
Read more

Another long day ..

Image
Today was challenging! The need to help is so strong,  but how?  How do you help someone else  when you cannot even help yourself? If I choose to help them, I push myself away ~ again.  Always second or third,  never first.  How long can this continue?  In the end ...  will I be completely gone?
Post a Comment
Read more