Tripping Through Life, One Moment at a Time.

Burning embers That's all that is left 45 years part of my soul Part of my being This is what is left. In order to love myself And move forward I must purge the hate I must purge the hurt. I will never feel whole.. But others live without .. Limbs, sight, hearing .. Even a child. I've lost many .. But only one I knew And lost more than once. Goodbye my first. May life fulfill All your dreams. I'm sorry I was never What you were looking for.

 I don't know how to describe a feeling.  Especially when the physical is absent. Something just felt different ... A little off. I could be wrong. We do not know each other very well ...  But that will come with time, I hope. It is my nature to worry  when I care for someone. And I do care for our friendship. Perhaps it was seeing you pace the sidewalk earlier in the week. You seemed lost and in your head. I have feelings that act as a mirror, reflecting back . It is usually a curse.  I find you playful and intelligent. You radiate warmth and compassion ~  And yes, your eyes smile. And they make me warm and make me smile. But if I don't see you, your eyes can not have this effect. This is very hard.  Trying to make words where they do not exist. Perhaps it is just me? It is definitely possible. I am a mess .. and have been for ten years. Interruptions happen ...  momentarily throwing my train of thought away from this task ... yet the thought of ...

I pass a window  and thought of you... odd, yet perfectly normal. U2 were on display and next to them I felt your presence. I spoke to the owner I'm sure you knew him. You seemed to know  So many people. We talked about U2 ... and you too. I play the songs, memories play along. I wait to hear your voice, your whispers from  when we met. Remember when we discussed going to " Where The Streets Have No Name?" Is that where you are at? We always said "With but  Never Without You" . But I know in you "I Found What I Was Looking For" and you "disappeared without a trace" You took "shelter from the poison rain" "Where the streets have no name"

Today was challenging! The need to help is so strong,  but how?  How do you help someone else  when you cannot even help yourself? If I choose to help them, I push myself away ~ again.  Always second or third,  never first.  How long can this continue?  In the end ...  will I be completely gone?

Can you remember When we first heard "Baby I Love the Way"   together? So long ago Yet I remember  like it was yesterday. We both had memories Connected with that song. Yet we tossed them To the side And made new ones. I still remember .. The first time You whispered  "Baby, I love the way .. You fill my life"  No one had ever Said such a kind thing To me. Well, baby, I Love the way You filled my life For 32 years  You held my heart and soul And kept them safe As I blossomed from Your warmth and love. Thank you will never be enough And goodbye is impossible  You were my life And I stumble Each day .. Missing you.

The day starts with peace ... Sunlight warming my face ... It's the time of day you Hear the birds sing. Before all the noise interrupts. Emails, notifications, tags, phone calls. The interruptions are deafening. Out the door and on my way Matchbox Twenty "If You're Gone" plays I love this song. DC road trip with my son Happy memories Then the world quiets  And I listen to the words. I relate to this line "... there's an awful lot of breathing room But I can hardly move" Truth! Interruptions begin again. Work. Taxes. Dogs. Sunset. It's my new mantra Change is needed. A river sunset is beautiful playing Dolphins Huge clouds! I want to create Plan a design. Gather my supplies I found the letter instead. It's time to burn the memory. Happiness is a life requirement. The music returns Where it left off "there's a little bit of somethin' me in everything in you" What does that mean when you're already gone ? Endless questions But...

The hours pass  yet time stands still. Two steps forward ~ four steps back.  In the background .. ... a song strokes  a memory.  Life pauses.  And for a brief moment  you return ..  not seen, yet felt.  Your arms,  your heart,  your love.  Then you are gone.  I miss you. Dreamer*

The feelings hit me  like a wave on the beach  engulfing me and  stealing my breath.  Time continues to pass,  yet most of the time  I feel as if I am watching  and not participating ..  not living ..  just existing.  But why?   What is the purpose?

It is an achievement! It has to be! It has been 34 years since I went anywhere .. ALONE! I've gone alone to  meet others ...  but never just alone. Alone and I are not friends.       We should be.  After all, who else do we have? But this evening was definitely a "wow! I did it" moment! In all honesty .. I have not been out alone ... since the early ninties. I wanted to share the smile ... it was there, I promise. I cannot believe it ... but I DID IT! I went out alone! No Superman watching over my shoulder. No arms to guide me. No hand giving strength. ALL ALONE! So to the humans in this world who have kicked me  over and over ~  bite me!  I DID IT!!! I would have loved  to share this feeling with you. It is huge!  And you helped to make it so.  Not intentionally ... but subconsciously. So THANK YOU!  

How long has it been? How can I put a time label on it? We shared 32 years .. yet not even two since you left. But it feels like a lifetime. I'm told I should move on. To what, I ask? I loved my life with you. I lived my life to love you. I felt complete. Now I am empty. I pour myself into others problems to escape the thoughts that will not hide. Helping others is fulfilling yet draining at the same time. Sometimes I feel I will break. Sometimes I know I already have. What do I even have to give? or share? I feel so hollow.

The first time ever I saw your face ... another memory pauses ... I see it clearly. Daytona was not my home ~ it was yours. Work brought you into my life. You were like a breeze  gently blowing into my life. You were kind, and smart, and considerate. I did not deserve you,  me with my messy life. Six months passed  with shared work calls. Nothing more than  a shared friendship between  two people with commonalities. Then tragedy struck my life  and you held out your hand .. you pulled me into your arms  and held me as I cried. You offered me time to think,  to process what I had been through.  You tried to repair my broken wings .. but my pain was beyond your control. But what you gave to me  was so much better.  Slowly, little by little,  your love brought me back to life. Not the same .. but I evolved and little by little opened my heart .. I never thought I could. And you treasured it. You carried it as if you were afraid...

  Tonight I spent time in my new pattern. The time is different each night, but I take the time to watch the sunset. I pause in my day and just reflect on what I am grateful for. Deep breaths ... eyes shut ... 3 minutes ... Eyes open and the sun has dipped a little lower. I felt the glow tonight ... the warmth of the rays on my face. The need to slow down ... to just "feel" it .. to breathe. I went to the river to be alone with my thoughts. Dolphins played while I reflected. I returned home ... a little unsettled. I reached out to a few friends  to share the beauty of the sunset. I'm glad I did ... it made a few people smile who cannot get out. Sharing the beauty in the day brings me joy.  For this I am grateful.