Tripping Through Life, One Moment at a Time.

Burning embers That's all that is left 45 years part of my soul Part of my being This is what is left. In order to love myself And move forward I must purge the hate I must purge the hurt. I will never feel whole.. But others live without .. Limbs, sight, hearing .. Even a child. I've lost many .. But only one I knew And lost more than once. Goodbye my first. May life fulfill All your dreams. I'm sorry I was never What you were looking for.

 I don't know how to describe a feeling.  Especially when the physical is absent. Something just felt different ... A little off. I could be wrong. We do not know each other very well ...  But that will come with time, I hope. It is my nature to worry  when I care for someone. And I do care for our friendship. Perhaps it was seeing you pace the sidewalk earlier in the week. You seemed lost and in your head. I have feelings that act as a mirror, reflecting back . It is usually a curse.  I find you playful and intelligent. You radiate warmth and compassion ~  And yes, your eyes smile. And they make me warm and make me smile. But if I don't see you, your eyes can not have this effect. This is very hard.  Trying to make words where they do not exist. Perhaps it is just me? It is definitely possible. I am a mess .. and have been for ten years. Interruptions happen ...  momentarily throwing my train of thought away from this task ... yet the thought of ...

I pass a window  and thought of you... odd, yet perfectly normal. U2 were on display and next to them I felt your presence. I spoke to the owner I'm sure you knew him. You seemed to know  So many people. We talked about U2 ... and you too. I play the songs, memories play along. I wait to hear your voice, your whispers from  when we met. Remember when we discussed going to " Where The Streets Have No Name?" Is that where you are at? We always said "With but  Never Without You" . But I know in you "I Found What I Was Looking For" and you "disappeared without a trace" You took "shelter from the poison rain" "Where the streets have no name"

Today was challenging! The need to help is so strong,  but how?  How do you help someone else  when you cannot even help yourself? If I choose to help them, I push myself away ~ again.  Always second or third,  never first.  How long can this continue?  In the end ...  will I be completely gone?

Can you remember When we first heard "Baby I Love the Way"   together? So long ago Yet I remember  like it was yesterday. We both had memories Connected with that song. Yet we tossed them To the side And made new ones. I still remember .. The first time You whispered  "Baby, I love the way .. You fill my life"  No one had ever Said such a kind thing To me. Well, baby, I Love the way You filled my life For 32 years  You held my heart and soul And kept them safe As I blossomed from Your warmth and love. Thank you will never be enough And goodbye is impossible  You were my life And I stumble Each day .. Missing you.

The day starts with peace ... Sunlight warming my face ... It's the time of day you Hear the birds sing. Before all the noise interrupts. Emails, notifications, tags, phone calls. The interruptions are deafening. Out the door and on my way Matchbox Twenty "If You're Gone" plays I love this song. DC road trip with my son Happy memories Then the world quiets  And I listen to the words. I relate to this line "... there's an awful lot of breathing room But I can hardly move" Truth! Interruptions begin again. Work. Taxes. Dogs. Sunset. It's my new mantra Change is needed. A river sunset is beautiful playing Dolphins Huge clouds! I want to create Plan a design. Gather my supplies I found the letter instead. It's time to burn the memory. Happiness is a life requirement. The music returns Where it left off "there's a little bit of somethin' me in everything in you" What does that mean when you're already gone ? Endless questions But...

The hours pass  yet time stands still. Two steps forward ~ four steps back.  In the background .. ... a song strokes  a memory.  Life pauses.  And for a brief moment  you return ..  not seen, yet felt.  Your arms,  your heart,  your love.  Then you are gone.  I miss you. Dreamer*